Panic on the trail....

I've noticed in life that there are a few things that will make you stop dead in your tracks and cause you to panic. Things such as, "Did I remember to turn off the iron? Is that gas I smell?" or the panic of the walk to your mailbox in August when you know that your electric bill just arrived. It's much like I imagine the walk of a condemned inmate would stroll to the death chamber.

On Tuesday night however, I started down the street for what has become my nightly walk. I've decided over the past few days to exercise and get into shape. However, I do consider myself in shape, but somehow a triangle is not acceptable.

Anyway, I turned and started on the walking trail behind our street. As I walked, a lady jogger passed me on the left. I nodded a hello to her and she returned the favor and she continued on. I never really imagined that our paths would cross again.
Up ahead of her a lady was about 100 yards from me coming in our direction. Attached to a leash on her side was a little dog. So small, that I can only assume it ran on batteries. Not a big dog. As the two closed in on each other, they both stopped in a scream.
I thought to myself, "is this woman so afraid of dogs that she actually screamed at that dog??

As I got closer, I looked down and noticed just what it was, that had stopped all time as we know it. There it was, all four feet of the most evil creature that I had ever laid my eyes on.......a snake.

A snake? In our neighborhood? It states right here in our deed restrictions "No snakes!" It's like I told Suzanne(my beautiful trophy wife) when we moved in. "I know that our homeowners fees are expensive, but look.....no snakes!"

Both ladies looked at me. I guess they thought that I had some kind of answer. All of those days back in cub scouts, I never actually thought that I would see a snake. I don't remember a merit badge that had anything to do with wrestling a snake. In fact, if there was a badge called "Run like a little girl from a snake" badge I'm sure that I would of had several.

So there I was. I could either run home screaming(as I wanted to do), or I could show my bravery and shield these helpless women folk from this monster.
Then, all of a sudden, the five year old inside of me took over and said, "let's just mess with it."
I thought that maybe if I picked up a rock and threw it at it, it would slither away into the woods, and I'm sure, that they would award me some type of bravery medal.

So I picked a rock, took careful aim, and launched it. I managed to bounce the rock about a half a foot to the left of the snake. It raised its head and looked right at me as if to say, "Hey man, what is your problem? Did you just throw a rock at me?

Now, I've seen many episodes of the Crocodile Hunter. I know that if I was Steve Irwin, I would run up to the snake's tail, grab it, fling it into the air, and then kick it right off into the woods.
But guess what? I'm not Steve Irwin.

I picked up another rock, and managed to hit it right on the tail. Once again, it looked at me. But this time, it slithered off into the grass slowly. Almost as if it was saying "OK, I get it, I get it......"

Yes, that's right, I saved the day. What did I get for my heroic action, you ask? Accolades, an citation from the Mayor? A tearful thank you from those affected? No, everyone just turned and went on about their business.
I, on the otherhand, went home and put on a fresh pair of undies.

Now I don't exactly know my types of snakes, and I don't really care to, either. But, when I recall this story later on to my children, I actually think that it may have been a King Cobra.

How much do I need.....

There it was. Right there on the computer screen. Suzanne had alerted me to it. Staring right back at us on the credit card website were several unauthorized charges.
Unless Suzanne had snuck out one night to go fill the minivan up with gas, twice, in Round Rock, I knew that someone had stolen her credit card number.

After we called and canceled her card, I remembered an advertisement that I had heard for one of those identity theft insurance companies. The next day I signed up. I hate to spend money, so I went with the economy plan. It's actually a guy named Chuck who works in the back of a massage parlor. You just give him your social security number, checking account numbers, birthday, passport, etc. and he takes care of the rest.

Then I started thinking. We now seem to have an insurance policy for everything. We have health insurance, life insurance, home owners insurance, car insurance, and dental insurance, just to name a few.

In addition, because we need more insurance, Suzanne and I have insurance on our computers, just in case that they die and we need to retrieve all of the files that can't be lost. The other day, I was talked into cell phone insurance, because my phone could be lost some day and I would lose all of my contacts that are located in it.

Did I mention the home warranty(insurance) that I have on all of the major appliances in our home? You don't want to pay full retail for an AC unit, or a broken toilet.

Then there is the commercial on tv for supplemental insurance. I think that I might have to invest in some of that even though I don't quite know what it is. All I know is that it comes with a talking duck that seems to pay the bills.
Am I going to have to insure the duck as well? Veterinarian bills aren't cheap you know.

What else can I get insurance on? How about the "Don't say anything stupid to your wife" insurance? This would insure that I would never spend a night on the sofa. There is also room in the policy to submit birthdays, anniversaries, etc. to keep you out of trouble. Of course, that would be an add on charge.

Similar to that, is the "Foot in your mouth" insurance. Much the same as the above insurance, except that this would apply to friends and family. Never again would you be at a family outing, or a friend's party and shout out something that quiets the room, and embarrasses your wife.

Another idea I have is "hair insurance." Every day I look in the mirror, and I find that my troops have retreated just a little more. They're fighting an admirable battle, but they just can't hold their ground. For just a little money each month, I could keep a full head of thick, lustrous hair.

These are just a few ideas that I have. Because it seems, with every great idea and innovation, five minutes behind is a guy wanting to offer you some way to prevent disaster.

Just like when the caveman invented the wheel. He was showing if off to the neighbors when it rolled down the hill, crashed into a tree, and busted into tiny fragments. Once he realized the replacement cost for another wheel, the first insurance policy was born.

I'd Like to Have a Few Words with your kids....

Yesterday morning as I was getting dressed and ready for work, my wife Suzanne came into the bathroom and asked me a question. "What is this thing about Obama having a speech at school?"

Normally, she has confidence in knowing that I have the answer. This time, she was wrong. I hadn't heard anything about it.
As I made my way through the garage and put my coffee in the drink holder, I started the car and the first few voices came over the radio. From the concerned and upset callers to the radio station, you would have thought that Orson Welles had just informed us that the Martians were landing.

Then, as the day progressed and I had time to absorb the constant talk radio that I listen to every day, and I listened to angry parents and radio show callers, I began to understand the frustration.

Imagine, if by chance, your boss sent you a letter. In the letter, it stated that he was going to come by the house next week for a visit. Also, in the letter he wanted you to gather the children because his focus was on them and he wanted to speak directly to the kids.

In addition, to keep you from worrying, he was only going to talk to them about working hard, maintaining goals, and mostly, how to be successful. Oh, and by the way, how could your children help their dad's company and also their boss?
Maybe call him or email him if your dad has anything bad to say about the company, or if, on Friday for example, he stops working a little early. After all, don't we all just want to help the company?

What could be wrong with just a little friendly advice, or motivation? Where is the harm in that?

Today, I have had several friends ask me why I didn't want the President to speak to my kids. I mean, after all, he is the President and they should look up to him.

My answer to that would be, that if the President has anything to say, say it to me. Leave my children out of it. Suzanne and I have it handled here., or at least we think that we do. Sure, we have to remind Lindy not to write on Garrison's forehead, but that is another story for another time. We are trying to raise good, law abiding, God fearing children.

We elect our Presidents to help keep our country safe from all enemies foreign and domestic, and to stay within the bounds of the Constitution(yea, right). Not to write about what they can do to help him. If he needs advice from my five year old on a domestic agenda, we have bigger problems folks.

So Mr. Obama, the school bell does not ring for thee......